CAN'T CLIMAX FROM TOUCHING: ASK C+S
Before I was 20 years old I had never touched myself. Since the young age of 8/9 years old I could always orgasm from watching softcore Hollywood sex scenes and later on by watching porn. At that time I really thought that was normal. I never had curiosity in touching myself or getting to know my body since I could not get any pleasure from it. At the age of 20 I started touching myself but it was nothing special and I would rather climax from visual things. I had my first boyfriend at the age of 21 and even though in the beginning it was pleasurable to have him touching me, after a while I realized I could not orgasm without thinking about 'porn scenes' and the same with oral sex. Sometimes he touches me and I feel nothing. I feel so bad. He was my first sexual partner and I've always had pain during intercourse with him. After almost a year I decided to see a physiotherapist who specializes in the pelvic floor and she helped me to see that I have a condition called dyspareunia. She also thinks I have issues with getting wet and wants me to see my gynecologist to have something prescribed. Me and my boyfriend have been refraining from having sexual intercourse and will only touch each other or give oral sex. I feel really bad when I climax, not from the touching, but from my thoughts which happens 99,9% of the time. Now we are in a long distance relationship and I will see him in a few weeks. My biggest fear is not to feel much when he touches me again. I even stopped watching porn because I think it's becoming toxic and is not helping me attain an orgasm from touching. I try to masturbate but the pleasure is not the same and I rarely orgasm. I think the minute my boyfriend touches me if I don't feel much I already start feeling anxious about not having an orgasm and it ruins the whole situation. I've spoken about this with him and he gets very sad knowing my orgasms are stronger when I watch porn. I love him deeply and would love to feel pleasure from masturbation and from his touch too, since I know he is a good lover and tries everything to make me orgasm. He will almost always orgasm after I do, which is why it puts so much pressure on me to orgasm, since I don't want him not to feel pleasure just because I can't climax. I'm not on birth control and have a high libido but touching won't do much for me.
I hereby give you permission to think about whatever the fuck you want to think about while you're touching yourself or having sex. I hereby give you permission to not feel shame for what you think and what your true desires tell you you want. I hereby decree that whatever takes you to the highest heights of your pleasure is worth exploring, in depth and often. Please make up with your hand. Your hand is you and should always be a friend you can rely on to self-soothe, self-pleasure and self-love. This is actually where I recommend that you start the healing process: allow yourself to fully embrace every part of you that is a sexual being. No can give you pleasure, it originates in your mind and your body and is experienced by YOU. This is big work, and it's hard. If you need support along the way I recommend working with a sex coach, like myself.
All the best,
Myisha Battle (@myishabattle) is a certified sex coach, writer and speaker. Through sex coaching and her sex-positive podcast, Down for Whatever, Myisha provides accurate sexual information, instills pride in difference, and encourages the quest for sexual satisfaction no matter a person’s race, gender, orientation, ability or age. She empowers her clients and listeners to embrace better sex for a better life. For more information visit myishabattle.com.
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